http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i2951#this
THE SPOOF
"The Spoof is the leading satire newspaper on the internet providing an
irreverent and satirical slant to the current big news stories."
Multicultural Kosovo: US Police Officers Killed by UN Forces
Written by alex palamedes
KOSOVSKA MITROVICA: Three UN police officers - two American women and a
Jordanian - were killed in northern Kosovo and 11 others were injured
after a quarrel between Anglo-Saxon and Arab UN officers about US
policy in the middle east led to an exchange of gunfire.
Last month the province displayed its multicultural fuctioning as
ethnic majority Albanian muslims lit candles in over 30 Serb Orthodox
churches to mark the Serb rescue of a drowning Albanian child, despite
the then UN police spokesman Derek Chappell's insistence that Serbs
were not involved in the incident.
"Seven victims of the shooting, (all of them) UN police, arrived at the
hospital, six of them were seriously injured," Milan Ivanovic, the
deputy director of the hospital in Serb north of the ethnically-divided
town said.
"An American woman died immediately from her wounds, four others are in
the operation room," he told reporters. "The injured were hit in the
chest or the abdomen, four of them are women and two are men, one an
Australian national."
"Maybe this began spontaneously but, after the beginning, certain
extremist groups had an opportunity to orchestrate," said Harri
Holkeri, the UN representative who is the chief administrator of
Kosovo. Using his now customary breathless rhetoric, he said that a
multi-ethnic police force, like society in general, could function even
when its members held divergent
cultural, political and religious views. The only exception he knew of
was wealthy Cyprus, where ethnic Turks and Greeks had too much in
common for the international community to permit them to live in a
fully unified state.
"This attack was organised," a U.S. policeman guarding the wounded at
Mitrovica hospital told Reuters. "I'm sorry that none of the services
was able to prevent it..." he added, without elaborating on who might
have organised an attack, or why.
"Everything started when the Middle Eastern guys told the American
police officers that the US has occupied Iraq like every other country.
The Americans were pissed off by these accusations," reported an
Anglo-Saxon policeman. "Suddenly one Jordanian started shooting." He
expressed bewilderment at the Jordanians' hostility in the light of
recent progress towards peace in the middle east made by President Bush
and Israel's Sharon.
The Serbian news agency Beta quoted anonymous sources saying that four
Jordanian nationals working as UN police officers had been arrested
after the incident and were being questioned at UN police heaquarters
south of Kosovska Mitrovica.
Last month a UN police officer was killed in a shoot-out with unknown
assailants speaking Serbian with an Albanian accent. The number of UN
policemen killed by Albanian assailants has fuelled concerns from the
international community about a backlash by Albanians determined to
press
their demand for independence from NATO five years after NATO drove
Serb forces from the province. After the murders of thousands of
remaining Serbs, antifascist Albanians and other minority groups,
Belgrade, home to 100,000 ethnic Albanians, is now pushing for autonomy
or partition. Its requests, however, have been rebutted by the UN, the
EU, and the USA, as they have been since 1996 when first proposed by
the Milosevic regime.
Lieutenant-Colonel Jim Moran, a spokesman for the peacekeeping force
KFOR, again declared: "I don't think we will have any more problems."
One Albanian translator working for KFOR echoed his remarks claiming,
"I just want to kill all Serbs and their families."
Following President Bush's comments on Iraqi WMD, Lieutenant-Colonel
Moran added that he happenned to believe mass graves would still be
found in Kosovo. At that point, the wisdom of maintaining huge US
military bases in Kosovo and Bosnia would be made clear. In the past,
American intelligence agents like William Walker may have facilitated
the fabrication of reports of death camps, massacres, and the use of
Albanian children as blood banks for the Yugoslav Army, but the
European press and the American people should keep faith in the
principle of humanitarian intervention. Even radical leftist groups had
been fooled into claiming bombing Yugoslavia worsened rather than
precipated population flight from Kosovo. Recent events in Fallujah
demonstrated that people spontaneously flee bombs.
French intellectuals, marking a shift from their 1990s support of
American intervention in Yugoslavia, are now predicting the demise of
the American Empire. "It was all lies," said Pierre-Marie Gallois, a
retired general and close adviser to the de Gaulle regime. "In order to
build their empire, states had to be destroyed," Gallois adds, which
explains why the United States was set on undermining the Soviet Union
and Yugoslavia. France should rebuke the Germans and the Americans, and
join with "our traditional allies," Russia and Serbia.
The White House will issue a statement later today. The President, a
spokesman said, has not been woken. The Jordanian stock market is
expected to fall dramatically when it re-opens on Monday.
THE SPOOF
"The Spoof is the leading satire newspaper on the internet providing an
irreverent and satirical slant to the current big news stories."
Multicultural Kosovo: US Police Officers Killed by UN Forces
Written by alex palamedes
KOSOVSKA MITROVICA: Three UN police officers - two American women and a
Jordanian - were killed in northern Kosovo and 11 others were injured
after a quarrel between Anglo-Saxon and Arab UN officers about US
policy in the middle east led to an exchange of gunfire.
Last month the province displayed its multicultural fuctioning as
ethnic majority Albanian muslims lit candles in over 30 Serb Orthodox
churches to mark the Serb rescue of a drowning Albanian child, despite
the then UN police spokesman Derek Chappell's insistence that Serbs
were not involved in the incident.
"Seven victims of the shooting, (all of them) UN police, arrived at the
hospital, six of them were seriously injured," Milan Ivanovic, the
deputy director of the hospital in Serb north of the ethnically-divided
town said.
"An American woman died immediately from her wounds, four others are in
the operation room," he told reporters. "The injured were hit in the
chest or the abdomen, four of them are women and two are men, one an
Australian national."
"Maybe this began spontaneously but, after the beginning, certain
extremist groups had an opportunity to orchestrate," said Harri
Holkeri, the UN representative who is the chief administrator of
Kosovo. Using his now customary breathless rhetoric, he said that a
multi-ethnic police force, like society in general, could function even
when its members held divergent
cultural, political and religious views. The only exception he knew of
was wealthy Cyprus, where ethnic Turks and Greeks had too much in
common for the international community to permit them to live in a
fully unified state.
"This attack was organised," a U.S. policeman guarding the wounded at
Mitrovica hospital told Reuters. "I'm sorry that none of the services
was able to prevent it..." he added, without elaborating on who might
have organised an attack, or why.
"Everything started when the Middle Eastern guys told the American
police officers that the US has occupied Iraq like every other country.
The Americans were pissed off by these accusations," reported an
Anglo-Saxon policeman. "Suddenly one Jordanian started shooting." He
expressed bewilderment at the Jordanians' hostility in the light of
recent progress towards peace in the middle east made by President Bush
and Israel's Sharon.
The Serbian news agency Beta quoted anonymous sources saying that four
Jordanian nationals working as UN police officers had been arrested
after the incident and were being questioned at UN police heaquarters
south of Kosovska Mitrovica.
Last month a UN police officer was killed in a shoot-out with unknown
assailants speaking Serbian with an Albanian accent. The number of UN
policemen killed by Albanian assailants has fuelled concerns from the
international community about a backlash by Albanians determined to
press
their demand for independence from NATO five years after NATO drove
Serb forces from the province. After the murders of thousands of
remaining Serbs, antifascist Albanians and other minority groups,
Belgrade, home to 100,000 ethnic Albanians, is now pushing for autonomy
or partition. Its requests, however, have been rebutted by the UN, the
EU, and the USA, as they have been since 1996 when first proposed by
the Milosevic regime.
Lieutenant-Colonel Jim Moran, a spokesman for the peacekeeping force
KFOR, again declared: "I don't think we will have any more problems."
One Albanian translator working for KFOR echoed his remarks claiming,
"I just want to kill all Serbs and their families."
Following President Bush's comments on Iraqi WMD, Lieutenant-Colonel
Moran added that he happenned to believe mass graves would still be
found in Kosovo. At that point, the wisdom of maintaining huge US
military bases in Kosovo and Bosnia would be made clear. In the past,
American intelligence agents like William Walker may have facilitated
the fabrication of reports of death camps, massacres, and the use of
Albanian children as blood banks for the Yugoslav Army, but the
European press and the American people should keep faith in the
principle of humanitarian intervention. Even radical leftist groups had
been fooled into claiming bombing Yugoslavia worsened rather than
precipated population flight from Kosovo. Recent events in Fallujah
demonstrated that people spontaneously flee bombs.
French intellectuals, marking a shift from their 1990s support of
American intervention in Yugoslavia, are now predicting the demise of
the American Empire. "It was all lies," said Pierre-Marie Gallois, a
retired general and close adviser to the de Gaulle regime. "In order to
build their empire, states had to be destroyed," Gallois adds, which
explains why the United States was set on undermining the Soviet Union
and Yugoslavia. France should rebuke the Germans and the Americans, and
join with "our traditional allies," Russia and Serbia.
The White House will issue a statement later today. The President, a
spokesman said, has not been woken. The Jordanian stock market is
expected to fall dramatically when it re-opens on Monday.